In The Dark
by Kate-Emma
Summary: Complete - It's been three days since her experience with Jade Hopkins and PC Millie Brown returns to work, but has she really overcome what happened that day? And who will try and help her move on? Millie and Max.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own 'The Bill'. I don't own any characters mentioned in this piece. I don't own the song: 'Resolution' by Jack's Mannequin

**A/N: **This one-shot brought to you by Boost Juice 'Energy Lift': the blend of apple, orange and pineapple with vitamins A and… I'll stop. I just had an advertising moment there. Name-dropping, how else do you think I pay the rent? Lol. No, really, this was inspired by 'Said It All' by who denies being a convert but I so do not believe it. This is for you…

In The Dark…

Character reaction to: 'Smash and Grab'  
PC Millie Brown

_  
There's a lot that I don't know  
There's a lot that I'm still learning_

It had been three days since the Curtis Jensen, Jade Hopkins, toyshop incident and Millie Brown had finally returned to work after being forced on a quick break by Sgt Smith and Inspector Weston who, as a team, were a formidable force. She hadn't wanted to go but they'd insisted she'd be better off with a break and would come back all fresh and ready for work again.

They hadn't mentioned the cold, quiet house.

The dreams.

The memories.

Or the fact that when she returned to work they wouldn't go away…

In fact they got worse.

_When I think I'm letting go  
I find my body it's still burning_

How she managed to get through the whole day she wasn't certain. Probably because it involved mostly manning the front desk, a job Sgt Smith had hurriedly placed her on that morning when she'd walked in looking like she'd 'just fallen out of the back of a flour van' as Nate Roberts had termed her. She was tired from lack of sleep, white from staying inside all day without sunlight to refresh her skin and make her feel normal. She looked and felt like a ghost of her former self.

That evening, joining the others in the change room, Mel Ryder, who had insisted they'd missed her while she'd been away, gave her a bright smile. She'd smiled back warmly; glad to be back with friends where she could forget. But then Mel had spoken again.

"We're headed down to the pub with CID tonight, no one got a chance to congratulate you on a job well done with well…" she faded off, sensing that Millie had stiffened and stopped changing. She stood there, her jacket half-hanging off one arm and staring at the wall. Mel just frowned. "Well, anyway, we'll see you at the pub okay?" Millie had nodded, taking a deep breath and continuing to pull on her jacket as if nothing had happened. Mel had touched her shoulder and left the room.

As the change room door swung shut, Millie's body shuddered, overpowered again by memories and pain. She fell against the wall behind her for support, but like all others around her it could offer none, then she slid to the floor in a quivering, overcome heap.

_And then you hold me down  
You got me living in the past_

The crowd in the pub was so large Millie could scan the room for almost twenty seconds and not see anyone she knew. As she did so again, with still no response, she breathed a sigh of relief. No need to be reminded of what had happened.

It felt unfair to place everything that had happened that day on someone else's shoulders, blame him for what had happened, but for the last twenty minutes as she and the others walked to the pub, she'd been doing just that. Focus all the bad ideas onto something or someone else, the only way to stop blaming yourself, she was sure she'd read that somewhere. Of course, whilst trying to find someone to blame, his face had crept into her mind. God how her life had started to slowly drip ever down when he came into it. The regrets. The feeling of not being good enough. How embarrassed she'd been by her own schoolgirl behaviour after being handed a bunch of flowers in front of him. It was like that scene from Clueless where Cher insisted that giving yourself flowers or chocolates was the perfect way to get his attention. It was childish and stupid and she'd felt so foolish afterwards, especially when the look on his face had told her that a: he wasn't buying it and b: he wasn't jealous. And then the 'not going much going on between the ears' comment where she'd been left feeling idiotic in more ways than one. He thought her an airhead, that much she could deal with, but the fact her feelings mattered so little to him that he said it with her standing only inches away, that was what had hurt. Then… well, what brought her right back to where she was now – standing in a crowded bar with her friends pulling her towards a table, blaming him and praying he wasn't here.

But like many things before, she knew this hope was stupid. He was here and she knew she'd see him before the night was out. What happened then… well, that part she wasn't sure of.

_Come on and pick me up  
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast_

"First round is on me." Millie beamed, eager for an excuse to get away from the raucous crowd and back into the anonymity of the pub around her. She could hear DC Moss and DS Turner arguing over a contentious pool shot in the far corner, but ignored them as she fished out her wallet and twisted through the crowd to the bar.

"Oh cheers, I'll have a beer too." Will Fletcher said, passing her.

She scoffed. "Light?" He frowned. "Well, you are CID now so I was just wondering." He waved her off with a grin and she went back to trying to get the attention of the barman.

Someone whistled from beside her and the barman came to them. "Yes?"

The whistle didn't order until Millie had put in her requests, and then went for a pint of his own. As soon as he spoke she knew she didn't really want to look at him, but had to thank him when he slid fifty pounds across the counter before Millie could put down her own money. She didn't meet his eye as she nodded at him and gathered up the drinks. He didn't mind much, letting her go as he picked up his beer slowly.

She could feel his eyes on her as she slid through the crowd.

She didn't look back.

_Cos I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness  
You know that I survived_

"So Nate went 'I think he's probably doubled back on us', turns around and smack, straight into a pole." As if to address her point, Mel smacked one hand into the other. Nate growled at her but she just grinned. "You're not mad at me, you're mad at yourself," she sing-songed back at his faux-angry face.

"Funny, I feel pretty mad at you." He raised his eyebrows and grinned. Mel just laughed. "Anyway, I recall being right."

"Okay, so you were right. Doesn't stop you being a goof." Mel wiggled her eyebrows over her glass as she took a loud sip.

"Doesn't stop you being a pain." He glanced at Millie who had been quiet since returning with the drinks. "Cheer up Mills, I wasn't hurt."

Despite the images playing in her head, Millie laughed. "Oh thank goodness, I was terrified." He chuckled. "So, just to be sure…" Millie raised her hands and smacked them into one-another and Mel laughed, nodded and repeated the move.

Nate dropped his head to the table with a thunk. "Great, thank you." Millie shrugged. He smiled warmly. "No, it's good to have you back Mill, we've all missed your smiley happiness about the place. Grinch over here…" he prodded Roger in the arm.

Roger Valentine, who'd been sitting quietly up until now, protested quietly. "I am not a Grinch." And as to prove his point, he smiled and pulled a face. He then looked at Millie, almost seriously, and Millie's smile faltered. "But no, it is good to have you back Millie. We've missed you and we never really got a chance to congratulate you for your good work with Jade."

"Yeah, it was fantastic." Mel piped up.

"So, how about a toast then? To Millie." Roger cheered, raising his glass. The others followed. Millie put on a brave smile.

_I'm not looking for forgiveness_

But across the room two eyes met hers and in them a look of pity. She frowned and looked back at the table.

She didn't want his pity.

She didn't need his pity.

She no longer even wanted him…

_Yeah I just need light  
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution_

"Ignore him." A voice said softly in her ear and Millie glanced up to see Roger seated next to her, frowning back at DS Carter with a look that simply said he wasn't a welcome part of this conversation. As Millie followed his gaze she saw Max look away.

"It's okay."

He frowned. "It's not okay." He put down his beer and looked at her. "Are you okay?" Her head dropped. "Oh Millie I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you with that little show, just we're all so proud of you, you did great with Jade. You're a natural with people, no matter what anyone says, and in this job that's the best skill to have." He glared at Max, who wasn't even watching anymore, as if Millie didn't know whom we was talking about. "You're a fantastic cop Millie."

"Thanks Roger, but I'd rather just forget about the whole thing, if that's possible."

Roger nodded and gave her a warm smile. "Consider me shutting up right now."

_And the bars are finally closed  
So I try living in the moment_

It seemed that Mel heard this. "Oh yeah right, you shutting up Roger is like Nate not being loud or DS Carter listening to someone else."

Millie's head hung at the comment and Roger frowned at Mel. She gaped, realising she'd stuck her foot in her mouth, but unsure what to say. Eventually she just put her hand on Millie's shoulder and Millie looked up. "Yeah, not going to happen."

But with that the raucous fun was broken. Everyone at the table went quiet and no one met each other's eyes.

Just silence.

And then a car backfiring smashed it, loud to the others but shocking in Millie's ear. A sound so cold. Foreboding. Familiar.

Without a word of explanation, she stood, grabbed her belongings, and hurried from the pub.

Only one pair of watching eyes understood. Only one pair of watching eyes stood and followed.

_Till the moment it just froze  
And I felt sick and so alone_

As she walked from the pub and out into the cold night air, the world about her froze, stuck in a time that Millie hadn't quite caught up to. She was still there with Jade – in her home putting on a kettle, locked in the back of a van praying for their lives, at the hospital hoping against hope that her words were reaching Sun Hill and that help would come.

The screams, shockingly loud as she realised they were her own, cut the air like a knife. Her orders to 'calm down', her words that tried so hard to get them all out of a bad situation safely. The click of a gun as the safety was released. That ever-echoing crack of a gunshot. The smell of someone else's blood…

And then there, amongst the echoes of screams, screeching tires and yelling came one last voice.

And it said her name.

"Millie?"

_I could hear the sound  
Of your voice still ringing in my ear_

He called her name twice before she stopped, realizing the voice came from the external world and not the one trapped between her ears. She looked back at him slowly, hiding the fear in her eyes. Not for him. God no. How often she had pictured this scenario where he came after her, wondering if she were okay. Of course, all those times, it had been over menial things. A spilt drink, a creep at the bar, even many of his cruel taunts looked better than this. Unfortunately this was something serious. Something that scared her.

Her own weakness.

"Millie, are you okay?"

"Fine, just tired. Night DS Carter." She turned, making to leave when Max spoke again and she was forced to stop.

"You're suffering flashbacks, aren't you?"

_I'm going underground  
But you'll find me anywhere I fear_

"I'm sorryDS Carter, I really do have to go, I have a train to catch." She made for the closest opening, having noticed the Tube station as she'd turned away from him. An exit. Freedom. But it seemed he was having none of it.

"You live walking distance from here." He was cold, emotionless, and happy to just state the obvious.

But Millie wasn't. "I don't feel like walking. Goodnight." She made to leave but he spoke again, slowing her to a crawl.

"The images and sounds are everywhere. Every waking moment in spent wondering when your resolve will fade and the image will return. Every night you wake so often feeling scared that you begin to fear your own room and even sleep itself. You're so tired, both from lack of sleep and from willing yourself to move on. The blame, the anger, and the random moments of weakness. It comes to a point where you don't trust yourself. You'll come to a point where you don't trust anything. From there you become well… you become cold and emotionless." Millie glanced behind her and saw Max had started walking slowly towards her, lost in what he was saying like he knew what she felt. In fact, weren't she so sure he was beyond emotion, she'd be certain he were speaking about himself. "You lose yourself." He looked up at her and met her eyes. "You lose smiley, naïve, but friendly PC Brown."

She held his gaze for a second then shook her head. "I don't know what you're talking about." She made to go again.

It was clear from his face that he surprised even himself when he grabbed her hand.

_And you hold me down_

"Let me go." She ordered, her voice dropping from nice but sad to cold in the space of a few seconds. He did as he was told, more out of surprise than anything else and she took a few steps towards the Tube.

"You're not going to work through it this way, trust me."

"And why would I do that? You've made it pretty clear you think I'm an airhead DS Carter, and that opinion hasn't changed has it?" She gave him a questioning look but his expression remained blank to her judgement. She gave a very uncharacteristic smirk, almost like one of his, and then shook her head. "No, didn't think so."

_I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness_

"You did well with Jade, made the breakthrough in the case."

"Empty flattery DS Carter." She shot back.

"I don't know why I bothered." Max returned just as quickly, frowning at her.

"I don't know either. I made the breakthrough, whatever, you still think I did the wrong thing don't you?" He nodded. "That I just got in the way of your investigation and that you would've got it yourself in the end anyway." He didn't move a muscle, just frowning her down, but she wouldn't crack under his gaze. That look may work on others, but it wasn't about to work on her. "You're pretty used to always being right aren't you? Cos you're perfect." She scoffed again and frowned back at him. "I don't care what you think anyway."

_To know that I survived  
I'm not looking for forgiveness…_

"You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened with Jade Hopkins."

Millie's glare faltered, surprised that after a few seconds of cold glares between them he'd decided to speak. "What?" He shrugged. She shook her head. "You don't get it do you? I don't blame myself." He frowned. "I blame you." Then, without another word, she turned and entered the train station. Max let her go.

**END**


End file.
